Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Why most relationships don't work.....

You're dating a guy/girl. Everything is, in a word, perfect. They have a great job, are attractive, confident, treat you wonderfully. They're the total package....

Or so you think.

The relationship progresses. Feelings become more intense, and soon, you're talking about searching for that perfect diamond.

BEFORE you start thinking about tieing the knot, you may want to ask yourself if this person is actually compatible with you completely. You should ask questions BEFORE the relationship goes much further than "Exclusive Status".

9 times out of ten, the reason that relationships fail after a period of time, is that the right questions were never asked, or, even worse, no questions were asked to begin with. You walked into a relationship because the other person's " Representative", as I like to call it, seemed to have the total package plus that bag of chips you were looking for. You seemed perfectly compatible.

One of the biggest things that is never really discussed is money. How will you spend it? If you won the lottery, would it be spent on cars and fancy things? Or would it be put into savings?
What if you lost your job? How would you budget things?
If you don't know his/her answers to these questions, you may want to pull the E-brake on this wonderful little ride to marriage right now. If you don't know what their spending/saving habits are, how will work things out if you're a saver, and they're a spender? Not just a spender, but a frivolous spender? Or what if they're a penny pincher? Will that bother you?

Ask about their career. Figuring out where they stand as far as a job goes will help you determine if they're independent enough to be a "go getter" and not have to rely on someone else to pay the bills. Also, it will earn you bonus points for being interested in them. We may as well include thier dreams and ambitions in this category too. Does he/she have any goals? Anything that's long term? What about short term?

What about YOUR career? Do you work late shifts? Do you work 15 hour days? Work schedules can lead to problems when things get serious. If they're used to being able to have you at their leisure before things get serious...are they going to be able to handle it when your job demands that you work a 9am-10pm day more than three times a week?

By date number three, you should have already figured out what their interests are.....(you HAVE done this, right?) If not, you should really find out fast. I'm not a firm believer in the whole " opposites attract" thing. Reason being, individuals have to have things in common in order to make it work. End of story. You can't have a die hard vegitarian and an insatiable carnivore in a relationship together. Doesn't work that way.

Talked about children yet? Yeah, this is a biggie. How many will you want to have? Would you want to have one parent stay at home? Both working parents? How will you discipline them?
In a relationship, it is imperitave that parents support eachother in disciplining their children. This is one of the number one reasons ( aside from money) that couples fight. Not being on the same page in this area can be like hydrochloric acid on a hardwood floor; it deteriorates until there's nothing left. Many parents do the " Well, go ask your mom/dad." Children aren't stupid. They understand that if one parent doesn't agree with another, they'll ask the parent that will give them the answer they want. Ex: Dad doesn't agree with 15 year old Daughter going to the movies with a group of friends and no adult. Mom doesn't see a problem so long as there's a group of friends. Daughter will ask Mom before she asks Dad.

Religion. Yeah, that's right. I said it. Politics can be coupled with this, solely because they're both considered controversial issues. Not for any other reason but that.
It helps to learn of their beliefs, and their reasonings for believing this or that. It helps to be able to support eachother with something that may be important to one or both.

What about family? How important is family to them? Do they have to see/talk to their family at least once a day every day? Or are they more comfortable with distance? What about holidays? How do they generally spend holidays with their family? It's best to learn these things AHEAD of time rather than fight about the issue at hand the day of the festivities.

Can you actually have an intellectual conversation with this person? Converstation is key. Not saying that awkward silence doesn't happen, and that you have to be able to keep a conversation going constantly without ever running out of something to say.....because that's unreasonable. But to be able to carry on a conversation with someone is a pretty big part of a relationship of any kind. That's just my opinion, someone will probably disagree with me, and that's their opinion.

These may be the "hot-button" issues. You might want to consider them before you actually slide that ring on.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

P.S. I love you

So, very rarely do movies make me cry. Even more so, I've never cried throughout a whole movie before.

P.S. I love you.....

Probably one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I think I cried because I want to have someone that will treat me as Gerard Butler's character " Jerry" treated Hillary Swanks character " Holly"

Every girl wants that.

And if I have to wait for love to be that strong, I'm willing to.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

He walked back into my life....

It had been almost four years since the last time I'd spoken even one word to him. He was the one boy, out of EVERY OTHER boy there was, that I could not stop thinking about. He was the one I'd had a crush on, for more than six years. Was that even normal? I'd never told him, though. He was so out of my league. Besides, he only dated girls that were pretty by everyone's standards. The "popular" girls. The 'skinny' girls. I never stood a chance. The last time I'd said one word to him was sophomore year, and that was only because we had a class together and he needed a pen. We went from talking all the time, every day, to not at all. I just accepted it as it was. He didn't have time for me. He was popular, and I was not. No big deal, but that still didn't change how much I liked what point does it stop being a crush?

Looking back on the years, I find it kind of odd that he is the only one who was ever able to make my heart race, with just one smile. The only one that could make me blush without saying a word. The ONLY one I was so nervous around for fear of doing something stupid.....Why, I don't know. It's not as if I ever had a chance to be with him....

Then, one night, I went to a bar with a few friends. Nothing special, just having drinks, having a good time. A couple of really good friends showed up a little later, one of whom I was continuously doing shots with. He's an attractive man. About 6'5, athletic build. He's a real looker. But like I said, just a friend. A girl walked passed and said 'How did she wind up with him, she's not even that pretty'. They were talking about me and my friend. There were no other girls by the bar except for me and the other two. And they were looking at us. I looked down and tried not to make eye contact with them. It embarrassed me that other women saw me as...not pretty enough to be with an attractive man. I felt uncomfortable-out of place.

Then, out of no where, he walked up and stood right next to me to order some drinks. I kind of did a double take. Was it really him? He looked different now, like he'd stocked up since the last time I'd seen him. His hair was longer, but his face was still the same. He looked at me and I immediately looked away. I'm not sure why. But I still stood there waiting for my order, and kept glancing at him from time to time. Soon he was surrounded by girls. He looked at me again, with a look that screamed that he recognized me, and I caught his stare. A moment passed, I smiled and looked away. He said something to one of the girls about me looking familiar, that, if I was who he thought I was, I was the girl he always used to talk to in middle school. My heart raced. He remembered me? Especially that far back? I walked away after that, my face flushing crimson.

The rest of the night went smoothly. I sat back down at my table, and didn't see him again. I quickly forgot about seeing him as the night progressed and alcohol took over more than sobriety.

Then a couple of nights ago, I saw him again. When walked through the door, my heart started racing. He walked up, saw me, pointed his finger at me with a look telling me that he was surprised to see me too. I don't know why he was surprised to see me, but the look on his face made it seem that way. I think I was more surprised at him. I had gone four years without seeing him-talking to him. Then all of the sudden, he comes waltzing right back into my least for the night.

For the rest of the night, it was like we were old friends that hadn't seen each other in a long time. In all reality, that was somewhat true. At the end of the night, he came up to me and told me that he was leaving. I walked up to him and gave him a hug. This was the first time I'd ever hugged him....let alone touched him..

I felt his right arm wrap around my lower back, while he let his left hand rest on my head. I went from being tense to suddenly relaxed. It felt normal, and in a way protective. He stood there holding me like that for longer than I expected saying, " It was so good to see you, sweetie." And then, he didn't kiss me, I don't think, but he made the sound on the side of my face...." Mmmmuah." I wanted to move away from him for fear that he would feel my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. I finally was able to break free from his hold...though I didn't want to. I took a step back, turning my side to him. He took a step forward, putting his arm around my waist. At that moment, everything was hard to hear. I told him that it was really good to see him again-that he should come and see me sometime. And he agreed. Everything was casual, more casual than I could have expected. More casual than I could have imagined I could act, what with the way my heart was forcing blood through my body. Without warning feelings, I thought had long since dissolved, came flooding back in. It was dizzying.

And then he was gone. Is it normal for a schoolgirl crush to linger on, just as strong, even after school is over?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

And all I wanted was a friend...

I sat there looking at him, wondering what might happen if I tried to take it to the next level. What would the consequences be? Would I be happy with the outcome? Could I want him in that way forever?

A million thoughts flooded through my mind. It was hard to capture one long enough to analyze it before another one made itself more prominent than the last. Did I really want him? Did I want him enough to hurt him? Did he want me too? Or, was it that he just wanted the physical satisfaction?

His eyes caught mine, and in an instant I looked away. I've never been good at hiding when something is on my mind, so by looking away, I had a better chance at not revealing my thoughts. My mind began to swim, more feverishly than before, now. I wanted this. In that moment, I could have killed for that desire to be fulfilled. I looked back at him, hoping his eyes weren't still on me, but they were. There was something different about the way he looked at me now. More different than when he'd looked at me before. I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know if it was good or bad. Had I done something wrong? I couldn't remember doing anything right.

I looked away once more. I tried my best to push out any and every thought that I had been having. I needed to have a clear mind. I needed to go at this from a different angle. One that I could rationalize with. An angle where logic took the place of desire. Then, I felt his warmth on my hand. Every thought of clearing my mind dissolved in an instant, and in their place, nothing but cloudy images of what I'd been trying so hard to concentrate on. I let my hand wrap around his, entwining our fingers. My heart beat more rapidly. Was this how I was supposed to be feeling? Could he see the way my thoughts affected me? Could he see that I was scared? That I wanted this, but I was terrified? Was this better? Why did it feel so right?

I craved that closeness. I hungered for that, which he offered. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to. But, as I always do, I began to think things through the second my mind unclouded even the smallest bit. I could see that this wasn't right. I could see that I wasn't in the right mind frame to accept this. I wasn't ready for this kind of closeness with someone else. I craved it, yes. I wanted it more than I wanted to breathe the sweet air. Didn't his feelings matter though? Regardless of whether he wanted it to be physical, or there was some sort of emotion attached to it? Then it hit me. I valued the friendship over the physical. I valued him. My heart skipped to a more rapid pace the moment he moved. My skin felt amazing under his touch. The smallest movement of his fingertips across my arm sent a frenzy of tingling rivets through my body. It made my breath catch before I could exhale. It was so hard to stay calm; stay still and relaxed. It was almost impossible to keep my head clear. There were so many movements my muscles wanted desperately to make; anticipated movements that physically strained me.

What was happening to me? Why was I losing my composure? This should have been easier to do than to think about. I should have been able to detach myself from the moment, as I'd done a million times before. Why couldn't I sever the line? Why was it so impossible? Was it that he was my friend? Did that help the line to be more easily invisible? Was it that I truly did care for him?

All I wanted was the friendship. Truly, that's what I wanted. Above everything else, that's what matters most.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Okay, So I think it's time for a bit of a rant....

For some reason, I let these people play games with me. I get so wrapped up in thinking that I'm actually liked for who I am, not what I can offer, that I seem to forget the one rule I've made since everything has changed. ' Don't trust in others as easily as you would have them trust in you'. Yeah, just because I know I'm trustworthy doesn't mean everyone else is. Still, I sometimes lapse into that old way of thinking. I sometimes lower my standards to be...I don't know, accepted at the time?

Look, I don't care anymore. If you want to play games, then go and play them with someone that still has the energy to play them. Go play them with someone that has the patience for it. I don't . Not anymore. I'm sorry I'm more mature than that. I'm sorry you think that by me being mature, I'm missing out on things. I don't see it that way. I love my life right now. I wouldn't change a thing about it. That's where YOU are wrong. Growing up doesn't mean that I can't have fun anymore. And yes, I will look back on this and love every step I took, every mistake I made. And you will still be where you are, still in that mindset. You will still be frozen mentally at your age, while your body will age. You will have nothing to show for anything. So next time you want to down me and say that I'm not acting my age, think about that.

Also, in regards to relationships, I'm not looking for anything. I'm perfectly content doing what I want when I want, without having to answer to anyone. I'm perfectly content being me and only having to worry about me. So, yeah, while I may like someone or be interested in them, it doesn't mean anything is going to develop. So don't try to play mind games with me and think that it will make me fall harder for you. I'm immune to mind games, and have been for a while. Doing that will only make me stray farther from you. If you want to go out and do things with other people, why should I care? And trying to do those things to make me jealous aren't really working out in your favor either. So you do your thing, I'll do mine. If we meet somewhere in the middle, then so be it.

I'm hungry....I'm gonna go get my eat on.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Putting other's feelings before my own.

It puzzles me to think that so long ago, just being friends was okay with me. Just being that and nothing more.

Of course, I can see why. It worked out better that way. I needed to do a lot of growing up. More so than what I thought. But then again, at that age, you think you're the most mature thing walking.

And now, thinking about everything that's happened recently, I get those butterflies...or at least the fluttery feeling. I can't help but smile-sometimes laugh.

Still, I'm trying my hardest to keep myself at a safe distance. For everyone involved's sake. I'm trying to evaluate what I really want, and what I need. But the lines are fuzzy, becoming more and more invisible with each thought I have. How do you know that you're crossing a line that you can't see? I know the line is there, without seeing it. But temptation makes it even harder not to want to jump over.

I also don't want to feed into a false emotion, only to find out later on, that that's all it was. It wouldn't be fair to the other party.....and I would only be more hurt by it because I hurt someone else because I couldn't control my own selfish desires. Nor, do I know that I'm ready for anything to change. I'm not sure that I WANT change right much has changed already...

Finding reasons to talk myself out of thinking this way are becoming harder and harder.... It's not that I don't want to...see how things progress, I'm just terrified of them progressing at a rate that I can't keep up with, or worse, progress to the point where there's no way to go back to before.... If trying to move things forward means I'll lose what I have now, I won't do it. It's not worth it to me.

This week has flown by. It seems like months since the last time. In all reality it's only been days...maybe I should get a few things off of my chest. But would that make me feel better? Or would it make me feel worse?

Some say to do what feels right to me....but I have a hard time going with that, because it's not just ABOUT me when I involve other people's feelings, other's emotions. It's not just about ME when I'm making changes that affect everyone else.....

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Beautiful Hands

As he sat there on my couch, making jokes, he didn't notice as I looked at his hands. Slender fingers, so soft looking and strong at the same time. It's true, I love him. I always have. He's one of my best friends. He's always been a friend to me, even when things were tough, and making time for one another became non-existent. He means more to me than what I thought he did.

As I sat there, laughing after the punch line in each one of his jokes, I forced myself not to think about him in any other way than a friend. My emotional state was not sturdy, threatening to crumble at any minute. I needed him there. He was more than just a friend, he was a lifeline. In that moment, he was mine. I'd never felt that I needed him. Even then, I didn't feel that I needed him there, I just knew. Though I was tired, I dreaded the time going by so quickly. That meant he would have to leave soon. Part of me wanted him to go, so that I could curl up in my bed and sleep. The other part of me, however, decided it would be better for him to stay. I couldn't tell him. I knew it would cause him to think something other than what my intentions really were. I'd been alone for so long. It would have been nice to just have a friend stay. It would have been nice just to have him stay. But I knew it wouldn't have been right. I knew I needed to get a grip.

He moved his hands so fluidly. It was a strange sight to see. Not strange in the " weird" sense, but strange as in.....beautiful. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to feel that warmth. I was so off balance. I needed to shut these thoughts out of my mind. It wouldn't be right. I was being selfish. I didn't want anything more than just....I'm not even sure I knew what I wanted at the time. Maybe I wanted to feel.....wanted. Yes, that's exactly what it was. How selfish of me. But was it being selfish if I felt guilty before even acting? Was it selfish that I cared about how that would make him feel? What he would think? No, maybe it wasn't selfishness, not completely anyway, but it was definitely not something I wanted to happen. It wasn't something that I wanted badly enough to ruin everything. Not that anything would have happened to a degree where it was more than...emotional if that makes sense..., but still I felt as though it would ruin something, whatever it is that we have. He doesn't deserve that confusion. I don't deserve him as a friend.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Yesterday I went over to my " sister's" house. I put 'sister' in quotation marks because, well she's not biologically, or even legally my sister. I just consider her a sister. Whether or not she still considers me a sister after all that's happened. I don't know, but I sure hope so.

As I rounded the corner, I saw his car there. Granted, he can't drive it, and I knew that at some point it would end up at their house....but I just wasn't expecting to see it there, with the hood up. I half expected to see him come out to the raised hood and continue working on the car. Logic then grabbed a hold of me. It was stupid to think that he was here. Sister would have told me if he was going to be there. Still, I don't know if it was hope or want, I expected him to be there working on his car.

Instead it was "Brother";( Strange but this is what I used to call him) Sister's husband. He was working on the car. He was trying to get it running so that he could sell it. My heart sank. Selling the car? Selling HIS car? It made sense. It was more than logical, it was the only thing left to do. I stayed at their house for about an hour. It was good to see their son. I'd taken advantage of the fact that I could see them and him when I pleased when I lived right down the street from them. He was so big now. Bigger than when I had remembered seeing him last. It was almost a month ago. Hard to believe. It was even better to see them. They didn't treat me as if anything had gone wrong. As if I was still a part of the family. I like that. Maybe more than I should have, but I still felt comfortable around them. I missed them. I missed him.

As I stood outside watching their son play with the neighbor kids, it slowly started swelling up inside me. I tried to choke back the tears but they were coming, whether I tried to choke them back or not. There was no stopping them. I saw the trampoline; the place where we looked up at the stars when it was new and exciting. The place where we talked, and had our first meaningful conversation. It was all hitting me harder than I would have expected it to hit. I thought it was better, I thought I was done, or at least near the point, with feeling this way. I was almost sure I had gotten over the rest of everything. But my heart begged to differ. I contemplated whether or not I should stay. Was I wearing out my welcome? I couldn't cry in front of them. I couldn't let them know I still hurt. Not now. Not ever. I was supposed to be done being....this...done feeling this.

I saw our old house, newly occupied with a happy couple from out of state. The ripping sensation in my chest became stronger, more prominent. I was not going to cry. Not here, not today. I was doing so well. I began to become angry with myself; frustrated that I'd let those memories come flooding back in. Angry that I'd done nothing to stop them. I'd let them flood in. I'd wanted them to flood in. I don't know why. I guess not thinking about him made it easier not to feel. But I did feel. I wanted him there. I wanted to tell him how he'd hurt me. I wanted to ask him how it was so easy for him to move on. How he justified the way he'd acted, what he'd done. But I knew that if I'd seen him, things would be worse. I wouldn't have been able to hold them back for this long, the tears threatening to tell my secret. I wouldn't have been able to even speak to him, frozen in disbelief. But I didn't have to worry about that. He was long gone. No way he was coming here. Not today. I was here. I was the one spending time with his family. Spending time with my family. I knew before that they would be hard to let go, even while I was still with him. Now they were even harder to let go, because it was so easy to lose them. If I stopped coming around, stopped making contact...I'd lose them more quickly than I lost him. The thought sickened me and made the already threatening tears push harder to exit from my body.

Brother came around the side of the house and asked me to move my car so that he could take his four-wheeler to the other car. Finally, I had a chance to leave and let all of this emotion out. I didn't want to leave. I would have loved to have stayed there all night, but I needed to leave. I needed to let this emotion out of me. I felt guilty for leaving. I wanted so much to sit and just be there. Spend time. I loved being over there when I lived down the street. I loved being there now. I said my goodbyes, that I'd hoped to see them soon. And I drove away.

I was so angry with myself for letting this happen; for allowing myself to feel this pain again. The one thing that made it easier was the the pain wasn't as severe as it was in the first two weeks. It still hurt, but it was easier to get out of. It felt good to cry. I hadn't cried in so long. Not over him. But I needed it. My body craved release of all of these feelings I kept, balled up, inside. It was only after I'd let it all out on the way home that I felt better. I felt more in control.

Seeing things the remind me of him still cause that familiar pain I feel in my chest. They cause me to think about only the good times. I know there were bad times. I know I had no way of knowing that things would happen the way they did when we first got together. I'd never loved another person that much. Not in that way, at least. I'd poured my heart and soul into it. I'd given almost everything I had to make it work. In the end, I was weary. I still wanted it to work. I still wanted him. I would have fought for him. I tried to. But my weariness was more present than I had thought. So I let him go. He wanted freedom, he wanted out. He wanted.....someone, just, .............................not me. That was the part that killed me.

Thinking about him made me angry, both at myself and at him. Why didn't he just own up to his feelings? Why didn't he want to try? Why wasn't he honest? Why, after all that time, after exactly one month shy of having been together for a year, did lies-no, not lies, things he'd failed to tell me-start coming at me. Things that I have no reason NOT to believe. It was his fault that we didn't work; that my efforts had failed. He was the one that forced me to be his backup plan. I was unaware of it all along. He didn't love me. After all, I was the Nag. I'd only tried to get him to where I knew he could be. Sometimes I was very blunt about it, and that hurt his feelings. But he was so good to me in the beginning. He made me feel like we belonged together. But, after thinking about it, I've come to this conclusion; he was just really good at being charming. At taking, and never giving. After a while, his charming act failed to reach the levels it once had. I was slowly seeing through him. Maybe that's why. Maybe that's why he skipped town and found someone else. Maybe that's why he didn't try to improve in the slightest when I'd given him that ultimatum. If he wanted to be with me, I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. I would have let him come along if I'd seen that he was serious about wanting to be with me, that he wanted to meet his potential. But I was wrong. I obviously wasn't good enough for him. I couldn't offer him anything anymore. Did I love him? Yes. As a matter of fact, I still do. But, I don't miss him as much as I miss the person he used to be; the person I loved with every fiber of my being. But I had to let it all go. I had to let him go.

I guess feeling something is good. Being able to let it all go in the end, was better. That really helped me to get over him. And I am. I'm over wanting him back. I don't. I want him to be happy. And I'm okay with the fact that he won't be happy with me now. I'm more mature about it. I've learned something from it, and now I can move on. As he should. I'm young. I can live my life. I have it together. I'm ready.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Embrace change, but don't let go of your values...

As humans, we often become creatures of habit. Once that " habit" is broken, we try to see it as a way of opening our arms to change. However, inspite of embracing that change, we tend to let go of our values.

Take for instance, a new job. You're so happy that you landed it. It pays better, it has benefits, it's closer to home....but then, to make money, you have to do some backhanded things, some things that may go against your morals. That's where letting go of your values comes into play. Sure you embraced the change, you're living the life! But at what cost? If you hadn't landed this job, you wouldn't be doing 1/3 of the things required of you. Sure, you love the money, and the benefits-the fact that it's closer to home. The way you see it, it was a good change, slightly peppered with bad values.

In the beginning it's great. You're hitting every goal that your boss wants you to hit. You begin to lose that guilt of selling a product to someone that you know will crap out within six months, just because there's a bigger comission in it for you. You lose sight of what makes you, you. Your character is taking a hit. You don't notice it though, others around you do. And this makes you a not so favored friend. You're teetering on the edge of aquaintance and stranger.

One day you realize that you've spent years at a company that offered such great things, but you're not happy. You're not happy with the person you've become. You can't even remember the person that you were, all you can remember is that you had friends who loved you, you had values. You embraced a change, but let go of all of your values.

Before, you were the star sales rep at your previous company. Sure, you weren't making as much money, but you were happy. You had a rapport with all clients. They loved coming in and talking to you. You were honest with them, informing them that, for example, " that toaster will putz out on you in 2 weeks" and suggesting a different toaster, which while a bit higher in price, had better quality. You were willing to take a cut in commission to sell this toaster to someone, because they needed it. Because it would better their life. And in turn, you got referrals because of how much you wanted to work with the client to meet their needs.

Now, you are the star sales rep, but for a different reason. You sell cheap products to unsuspecting customers because it means that you will be able to buy that new pair of shoes, or put a down payment on that little red sports car. You don't care that the client will be back within a matter of months to return the piece of crap item they purchased; You'll just show them a sign that says all sales are final. No refunds, exchanges, or credits. You've become a zombie. You've lost all compassion for anyone but yourself. You. Are. Alone.

Values are what make us who we are. They give us our opinions. They make us different, they give us character. Life is that much richer because of values. Values give us a conscience.

Change is good. Change is necessary. Without change, again, life would not be as rich and fullfilling.

There is, however, a balance that needs to be maintained between the two. You have to embrace change. There's no way around it. Eventually, things will happen that you can't avoid. But in doing that, don't lose sight of your values, and most definitely don't let go of them.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Walking through the door of happiness

Helen Keller once said something along the lines of ' When a door of happiness closes another opens; however we stare at the closed door so long that we fail to notice the other door opening.'

This is very true. In fact, its DEAD ON.

Why are so many people unhappy? Why do so many people allow themselves to be unhappy at another person's doing? Aren't we supposed to provide our own happiness?

I read this quote, and it summed up everything in my life. A door of happiness closed. And I just keep staring at it waiting for it to open again. I shouldn't. In all reality, the "door of happiness" wouldn't have "closed" if there wasn't any unhappiness, so why dwell on it? Why dwell on the lies, on the hurt, on the 'good times'. The bad outweighed the good.

So why do we constantly dwell on the good times after a relationship has ended? Why don't we dwell on the bad times? Especially when in the past, when the relationship was still holding together with bubble gum and shoe strings, we were unhappy? When we wanted to end it, but never had the heart to. Because we still loved them....because we still do.

In the past few weeks, things have happened that I'm not proud to say I was involved in. Unwillingly involved in, but involved in nonetheless. I would never say that one whole year was a mistake. I would never say that. Maybe because I'm not immature about the matter. I did learn things. I learned a lot of things. I learned how to love someone. I learned what that felt like. I learned........just a LOT of things that I am grateful for. But to say it was a mistake? Never. I'd say it was a learning experience.

I've come to terms with the fact that that door has been slammed shut, locked and the key melted. And for once, I can say I'm okay with searching for that other door, however long it takes me, however many elevators are broken causing me to take the stairs...I'm fine with it.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Not even an email break up...

I guess I'm better off because he wasn't an adult about it.

'Broadcasting it on Myspace and telling your friends that I'm your EX without even telling me first. Nice. You're a fucking dick' We're thoughts that came to mind.

Then he broadcast it that our relationship was a mistake....that I was a nagging bitch....ONE YEAR and our relationship was a mistake.

ONE YEAR....and all I was to him was a nagging bitch.

The words hurt worse than the fact that he let everyone know it was over between us before he let me know. No email saying, guess what it's not working out....even THAT I could have accepted. No phone call...nothing. Just me finding out after clicking on his profile. Then after emailing him about it, he denied it....said I was a crazy bitch....that he didn't know what I was talking about.

And now he's got a crush. He's moved on more quickly than I ever even thought about moving. He's interested in *Stephanie*. He does these things to hurt me. Why do I let him succeed? Because my heart is broken. Because it wasn't on my terms. Because I still have hope that maybe deep, down, somewhere, he still loves me. This is supposed to be the other way around. He's supposed to be the one missing me. He's supposed to be the one that can't sleep at night. I wanted this. I told him we needed space. That we should work our problems out when we weren't living together. It's my fault that all of this is happening. I wasn't ready for what my words said. I hadn't braced myself.

But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe, it IS his fault. He wouldn't grow up. I gave everything I had in that relationship. I tried harder to make that work than I tried to breathe. And he wanted everything to fall into place. Instead, he began text messaging another girl, talking to a girl, all behind my back. He didn't even make any mention of it. And then when I found out; after he'd be secretive about everything, I was the bad one. I was the one who was in the wrong for " Snooping". But the phone was in my name. I'd added it to my plan FOR HIM. Now, I'm left to pay the bill that he rang up, plus the bill to cancel his line.

I hurt. My heart hurts. I want to cry. Choking back the tears I want to shed is getting really old. Putting on that smile, the SHOW for everyone, is getting old. I need to let it out. But if I do, does he win even more? How could he?

'Get out of the game' is another thought that comes to mind. ' Stop playing his game, get out of it completely. Be the bigger person. Win by walking away.'

For once, I think I'll listen to my head instead of my heart.

If it was never meant to be

Then why do I still feel so strongly for him? Why do I still try to give him the benefit of the doubt, even though I know he's lying? Why is it so easy for him to move on so quickly, when I was the one that wanted change? Why is it so hard to accept the fact that he's moving on, and I'm still right where I ended it? I wanted this. But I didn't want it to be like this.....

It's so confusing.

Thursday, July 31, 2008


Isn't exactly the way to go about things if you're wanting to find something out. 9 times out of 10, just asking is enough to get you the answers that you need. But what happens when that 1 time, it isn't the answer that you needed to hear? What if that one time, there was no answer, only a statement that caused you to wonder and worry more? Do you snoop through emails or text messages? I would say no, but the cold hard truth is that I'm guilty of having done this, just as 98% of the population is.

What if you found things in said emails or texts that caused you to wonder or worry? You obviously couldn't ask your significant other about them because then that would put you in an awkward spot. You'd have to admitt that you didn't trust the other person, and due to that, snooped. Not exactly the position I'd want to be in...but it happens...whether or not it should have is a totally different story. Snooping, is wrong, and even I admitt that....even after being one to have snooped before, but let me ask you this....would it have been better to not know? Especially if you truly in your heart believed that something was wrong?

Every relationship sits on a foundation: Love and Trust. You have to have trust before you can have love, and you have to maintain that trust to maintain that love. Mistrust puts stress on that foundation...and what do you get when the foundation undergoes too much stress? That's right, a crack....or many for that matter. Soon this sturdy foundation you worked so hard to build and maintain, crumbles...

So let me ask you this....Do you think its possible for humans to actually trick themselves into believing that something is wrong or right? Maybe fears in our relationships are actually emotional triggers, that happen because of a past event or events. Take, for instance, a past relationship? Say you were cheated on. The minute something reminds you of that, the fear comes into play. " Is he cheating on me?" " Is she lying to me?". Not exactly a rock solid way to keep a relationship above water, now is it? You're tricking yourself into believing that something is wrong... Because of your past fears, you're searching, desperately to find something that will prove you're right. You're so worried that the other person will hurt you, that YOU unintentionally and unknowingly make it happen. The outcome is that you've sabotoged a really good thing because of fears you couldn't overcome.

Negativity has a lot of power over us as individuals. It can sway our judgement and make us react to things drastically. Ever been in a relationship where the other person starts complaning about things??? All of the sudden you find yourself wondering why they're not happy, and in turn thinking that they're not happy, causing you to question if YOU'RE happy.

If you convince yourself that someone is being unfaithful, you're already on a downhill slope. You won't slow down until, God forbid, the relationship erodes to nothing. And then what will you have to say for yourself? It won't be " Oh I was overanalyzing everything and it's my fault" no'd be saying more along the lines of.. " Oh well he/she didn't even try to make it work, so they obviously must have been cheating". All the while the other person is sitting scratching their head wondering how the course of events took place.

What would happen if, we didn't always assume the worst?What if we assumed the best? What would happen if we STOPPED reading each other's texts and e-mails and actually trusted each other? Maybe there would be a logical explanation to everything. Maybe those texts you believed to be the starting of another relationship, or a secretive something or other, were actually, harmless? What if your significant other was just being polite to the texter/emailer when they said " I miss our talks" and your s/o said " I do too". It could just be a case of an old friend missing an old friend and being completely platonic.

Snooping isn't the way to go about things. And neither is being a psycho and freaking out at every instance. If you love someone, trust them. Give them the benefit of the doubt.