Giving up

You say the fighting has to stop
So why do you still instigate?
You need to realize what your doing
before it really is too late.
We agreed that we would talk,
but how about talking during daylight hours
Not when we're about to go to sleep.
I'm sorry you wanted the fairytale
the one that could never have been reality in even the best circumstances
You hold me accountable for your unhappiness
When you should look at the person in the mirror to place your blame.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be everything you want me to be-
The Cinderella you always wanted



I'm miserable, and yes you have something to do with it.

You constantly tell me what is wrong with me, but you never take a moment to list all of the things that are wrong with you....thanks.


I'm giving up. I've got no more fight left in me.

18 weeks and Counting

I'm officially 22 weeks pregnant. That means I'm over the halfway mark in my pregnancy and only have about 18 more weeks to go!

Not that I'm ready for the pregnancy to be over.....I'm not even ready for Christian to get here....the only thing I have is a pack n play, a few baby clothes, and some diapers donated to me by a SUPER amazingly sweet woman that I work with who just had a baby boy.

I haven't really felt pregnant. I'm just tired, A LOT, and that's about it. I've had some depression issues....and my doctor prescribed Zoloft for it. I forgot to take my pill today...and maybe that's why I hate the world right now. I can't stand sitting here, making phone calls, leaving messages and then never getting a return call! I have to make money, and KEEP MY JOB, but with the referrals that I'm getting....that's not looking too clear. The only reason I'm typing right now instead of calling is that the rest of the referrals are set for a 3:30 pm call back time or later. SIGH.


I can't believe I'm this far along in my pregnancy....I just started feeling regular movement every day; not all day, but here and there. They feel like little muscle twitches. It's kind of cool. I'm extremely tired right now....and not in the mood to deal with anyone's crap...seriously....Well I guess I better arrange my referrals. I just got two more. Let's see what time they would like a call.

Why most relationships don't work.....

You're dating a guy/girl. Everything is, in a word, perfect. They have a great job, are attractive, confident, treat you wonderfully. They're the total package....

Or so you think.

The relationship progresses. Feelings become more intense, and soon, you're talking about searching for that perfect diamond.

BEFORE you start thinking about tieing the knot, you may want to ask yourself if this person is actually compatible with you completely. You should ask questions BEFORE the relationship goes much further than "Exclusive Status".

9 times out of ten, the reason that relationships fail after a period of time, is that the right questions were never asked, or, even worse, no questions were asked to begin with. You walked into a relationship because the other person's " Representative", as I like to call it, seemed to have the total package plus that bag of chips you were looking for. You seemed perfectly compatible.

One of the biggest things that is never really discussed is money. How will you spend it? If you won the lottery, would it be spent on cars and fancy things? Or would it be put into savings?
What if you lost your job? How would you budget things?
If you don't know his/her answers to these questions, you may want to pull the E-brake on this wonderful little ride to marriage right now. If you don't know what their spending/saving habits are, how will work things out if you're a saver, and they're a spender? Not just a spender, but a frivolous spender? Or what if they're a penny pincher? Will that bother you?

Ask about their career. Figuring out where they stand as far as a job goes will help you determine if they're independent enough to be a "go getter" and not have to rely on someone else to pay the bills. Also, it will earn you bonus points for being interested in them. We may as well include thier dreams and ambitions in this category too. Does he/she have any goals? Anything that's long term? What about short term?

What about YOUR career? Do you work late shifts? Do you work 15 hour days? Work schedules can lead to problems when things get serious. If they're used to being able to have you at their leisure before things get serious...are they going to be able to handle it when your job demands that you work a 9am-10pm day more than three times a week?


By date number three, you should have already figured out what their interests are.....(you HAVE done this, right?) If not, you should really find out fast. I'm not a firm believer in the whole " opposites attract" thing. Reason being, individuals have to have things in common in order to make it work. End of story. You can't have a die hard vegitarian and an insatiable carnivore in a relationship together. Doesn't work that way.

Talked about children yet? Yeah, this is a biggie. How many will you want to have? Would you want to have one parent stay at home? Both working parents? How will you discipline them?
In a relationship, it is imperitave that parents support eachother in disciplining their children. This is one of the number one reasons ( aside from money) that couples fight. Not being on the same page in this area can be like hydrochloric acid on a hardwood floor; it deteriorates until there's nothing left. Many parents do the " Well, go ask your mom/dad." Children aren't stupid. They understand that if one parent doesn't agree with another, they'll ask the parent that will give them the answer they want. Ex: Dad doesn't agree with 15 year old Daughter going to the movies with a group of friends and no adult. Mom doesn't see a problem so long as there's a group of friends. Daughter will ask Mom before she asks Dad.

Religion. Yeah, that's right. I said it. Politics can be coupled with this, solely because they're both considered controversial issues. Not for any other reason but that.
It helps to learn of their beliefs, and their reasonings for believing this or that. It helps to be able to support eachother with something that may be important to one or both.

What about family? How important is family to them? Do they have to see/talk to their family at least once a day every day? Or are they more comfortable with distance? What about holidays? How do they generally spend holidays with their family? It's best to learn these things AHEAD of time rather than fight about the issue at hand the day of the festivities.

Can you actually have an intellectual conversation with this person? Converstation is key. Not saying that awkward silence doesn't happen, and that you have to be able to keep a conversation going constantly without ever running out of something to say.....because that's unreasonable. But to be able to carry on a conversation with someone is a pretty big part of a relationship of any kind. That's just my opinion, someone will probably disagree with me, and that's their opinion.

These may be the "hot-button" issues. You might want to consider them before you actually slide that ring on.

P.S. I love you

So, very rarely do movies make me cry. Even more so, I've never cried throughout a whole movie before.

P.S. I love you.....

Probably one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I think I cried because I want to have someone that will treat me as Gerard Butler's character " Jerry" treated Hillary Swanks character " Holly"

Every girl wants that.

And if I have to wait for love to be that strong, I'm willing to.

He walked back into my life....

It had been almost four years since the last time I'd spoken even one word to him. He was the one boy, out of EVERY OTHER boy there was, that I could not stop thinking about. He was the one I'd had a crush on, for more than six years. Was that even normal? I'd never told him, though. He was so out of my league. Besides, he only dated girls that were pretty by everyone's standards. The "popular" girls. The 'skinny' girls. I never stood a chance. The last time I'd said one word to him was sophomore year, and that was only because we had a class together and he needed a pen. We went from talking all the time, every day, to not at all. I just accepted it as it was. He didn't have time for me. He was popular, and I was not. No big deal, but that still didn't change how much I liked him....at what point does it stop being a crush?

Looking back on the years, I find it kind of odd that he is the only one who was ever able to make my heart race, with just one smile. The only one that could make me blush without saying a word. The ONLY one I was so nervous around for fear of doing something stupid.....Why, I don't know. It's not as if I ever had a chance to be with him....

Then, one night, I went to a bar with a few friends. Nothing special, just having drinks, having a good time. A couple of really good friends showed up a little later, one of whom I was continuously doing shots with. He's an attractive man. About 6'5, athletic build. He's a real looker. But like I said, just a friend. A girl walked passed and said 'How did she wind up with him, she's not even that pretty'. They were talking about me and my friend. There were no other girls by the bar except for me and the other two. And they were looking at us. I looked down and tried not to make eye contact with them. It embarrassed me that other women saw me as...not pretty enough to be with an attractive man. I felt uncomfortable-out of place.

Then, out of no where, he walked up and stood right next to me to order some drinks. I kind of did a double take. Was it really him? He looked different now, like he'd stocked up since the last time I'd seen him. His hair was longer, but his face was still the same. He looked at me and I immediately looked away. I'm not sure why. But I still stood there waiting for my order, and kept glancing at him from time to time. Soon he was surrounded by girls. He looked at me again, with a look that screamed that he recognized me, and I caught his stare. A moment passed, I smiled and looked away. He said something to one of the girls about me looking familiar, that, if I was who he thought I was, I was the girl he always used to talk to in middle school. My heart raced. He remembered me? Especially that far back? I walked away after that, my face flushing crimson.

The rest of the night went smoothly. I sat back down at my table, and didn't see him again. I quickly forgot about seeing him as the night progressed and alcohol took over more than sobriety.

Then a couple of nights ago, I saw him again. When walked through the door, my heart started racing. He walked up, saw me, pointed his finger at me with a look telling me that he was surprised to see me too. I don't know why he was surprised to see me, but the look on his face made it seem that way. I think I was more surprised at him. I had gone four years without seeing him-talking to him. Then all of the sudden, he comes waltzing right back into my life....at least for the night.

For the rest of the night, it was like we were old friends that hadn't seen each other in a long time. In all reality, that was somewhat true. At the end of the night, he came up to me and told me that he was leaving. I walked up to him and gave him a hug. This was the first time I'd ever hugged him....let alone touched him..

I felt his right arm wrap around my lower back, while he let his left hand rest on my head. I went from being tense to suddenly relaxed. It felt normal, and in a way protective. He stood there holding me like that for longer than I expected saying, " It was so good to see you, sweetie." And then, he didn't kiss me, I don't think, but he made the sound on the side of my face...." Mmmmuah." I wanted to move away from him for fear that he would feel my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. I finally was able to break free from his hold...though I didn't want to. I took a step back, turning my side to him. He took a step forward, putting his arm around my waist. At that moment, everything was hard to hear. I told him that it was really good to see him again-that he should come and see me sometime. And he agreed. Everything was casual, more casual than I could have expected. More casual than I could have imagined I could act, what with the way my heart was forcing blood through my body. Without warning feelings, I thought had long since dissolved, came flooding back in. It was dizzying.

And then he was gone. Is it normal for a schoolgirl crush to linger on, just as strong, even after school is over?

And all I wanted was a friend...

I sat there looking at him, wondering what might happen if I tried to take it to the next level. What would the consequences be? Would I be happy with the outcome? Could I want him in that way forever?

A million thoughts flooded through my mind. It was hard to capture one long enough to analyze it before another one made itself more prominent than the last. Did I really want him? Did I want him enough to hurt him? Did he want me too? Or, was it that he just wanted the physical satisfaction? That couldn’t be it. But, I could try to convince myself that it was to save myself from exploring that route.

His eyes caught mine, and in an instant I looked away, not wanting their beautiful brown color to send me freefalling. I've never been good at hiding when something is on my mind, so by looking away, I had a better chance at not revealing my thoughts. My mind began to swim, more feverishly than before, now. I wanted this. In that moment, I could have killed for that desire to be fulfilled. I looked back at him, hoping his eyes weren't still on me, but they were. There was something different about the way he looked at me now. More different than when he'd looked at me before. I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know if it was good or bad. Had I done something wrong? I couldn't remember doing anything right.

I looked away once more. I tried my best to push out any and every thought that I had been having. I needed to have a clear mind. I needed to go at this from a different angle. One that I could rationalize with. An angle where logic took the place of desire. Then, I felt his warmth on my hand. Every thought of clearing my mind dissolved in an instant, and in their place, nothing but cloudy images of what I'd been trying so hard to concentrate on. I let my hand wrap around his, entwining our fingers. My heart beat more rapidly. Was this how I was supposed to be feeling? Could he see the way my thoughts affected me? Could he see that I was scared? That I wanted this, but I was terrified? Was this better? Why did it feel so right? In that moment, nothing could slow down my racing mind and heart more than a long slow embrace from him, breathing in his scent and feeling his strong, protective warmth.

I craved that closeness. I hungered for that, which he offered. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to. But, as I always do, I began to think things through the second my mind unclouded even the smallest bit. I could see that this wasn't right. I could see that I wasn't in the right mind frame to accept this. I wasn't ready for this kind of closeness with someone else. My heart was not ready. I craved it, yes. I wanted it more than I wanted to breathe the sweet air. Didn't his feelings matter though? Regardless of whether he wanted it to be physical, or there was some sort of emotion attached to it? Then it hit me. I valued the friendship over the physical. I valued him. My heart skipped to a more rapid pace the moment he moved. My skin felt amazing under his touch. The smallest movement of his fingertips across my arm sent a frenzy of tingling rivets through my body. It made my breath catch before I could exhale. It was so hard to stay calm; stay still and relaxed. It was almost impossible to keep my head clear. There were so many movements my muscles wanted desperately to make; anticipated movements that physically strained me.

What was happening to me? Why was I losing my composure? This should have been easier to do than to think about. I should have been able to detach myself from the moment and continue as normally as I'd done a million times before. Why couldn't I sever the line? Why was it so impossible? Was it that he was truly my best friend? Did that help the line to be more easily invisible? Was it that I truly did care for him more than was appropriate for friendship?

All I wanted was him, but how could I when the relationship we have is what matters to me so much more than my desires in this moment. Truly, that's what I wanted. Above everything else, he and his heart remaining intact and his place in mine are what matters most. I cannot allow myself to keep feeling this way. I don’t want to ruin this by acting on my feelings instead of thinking it through. He’s my safe place. I cannot destroy my safe place by way of my own desires. He will be my undoing, unbeknownst to him.

ARRRRRRRGH

Okay, So I think it's time for a bit of a rant....

For some reason, I let these people play games with me. I get so wrapped up in thinking that I'm actually liked for who I am, not what I can offer, that I seem to forget the one rule I've made since everything has changed. ' Don't trust in others as easily as you would have them trust in you'. Yeah, just because I know I'm trustworthy doesn't mean everyone else is. Still, I sometimes lapse into that old way of thinking. I sometimes lower my standards to be...I don't know, accepted at the time?

Look, I don't care anymore. If you want to play games, then go and play them with someone that still has the energy to play them. Go play them with someone that has the patience for it. I don't . Not anymore. I'm sorry I'm more mature than that. I'm sorry you think that by me being mature, I'm missing out on things. I don't see it that way. I love my life right now. I wouldn't change a thing about it. That's where YOU are wrong. Growing up doesn't mean that I can't have fun anymore. And yes, I will look back on this and love every step I took, every mistake I made. And you will still be where you are, still in that mindset. You will still be frozen mentally at your age, while your body will age. You will have nothing to show for anything. So next time you want to down me and say that I'm not acting my age, think about that.

Also, in regards to relationships, I'm not looking for anything. I'm perfectly content doing what I want when I want, without having to answer to anyone. I'm perfectly content being me and only having to worry about me. So, yeah, while I may like someone or be interested in them, it doesn't mean anything is going to develop. So don't try to play mind games with me and think that it will make me fall harder for you. I'm immune to mind games, and have been for a while. Doing that will only make me stray farther from you. If you want to go out and do things with other people, why should I care? And trying to do those things to make me jealous aren't really working out in your favor either. So you do your thing, I'll do mine. If we meet somewhere in the middle, then so be it.

I'm hungry....I'm gonna go get my eat on.