Tuesday, September 2, 2008

He walked back into my life....

It had been almost four years since the last time I'd spoken even one word to him. He was the one boy, out of EVERY OTHER boy there was, that I could not stop thinking about. He was the one I'd had a crush on, for more than six years. Was that even normal? I'd never told him, though. He was so out of my league. Besides, he only dated girls that were pretty by everyone's standards. The "popular" girls. The 'skinny' girls. I never stood a chance. The last time I'd said one word to him was sophomore year, and that was only because we had a class together and he needed a pen. We went from talking all the time, every day, to not at all. I just accepted it as it was. He didn't have time for me. He was popular, and I was not. No big deal, but that still didn't change how much I liked him....at what point does it stop being a crush?

Looking back on the years, I find it kind of odd that he is the only one who was ever able to make my heart race, with just one smile. The only one that could make me blush without saying a word. The ONLY one I was so nervous around for fear of doing something stupid.....Why, I don't know. It's not as if I ever had a chance to be with him....

Then, one night, I went to a bar with a few friends. Nothing special, just having drinks, having a good time. A couple of really good friends showed up a little later, one of whom I was continuously doing shots with. He's an attractive man. About 6'5, athletic build. He's a real looker. But like I said, just a friend. A girl walked passed and said 'How did she wind up with him, she's not even that pretty'. They were talking about me and my friend. There were no other girls by the bar except for me and the other two. And they were looking at us. I looked down and tried not to make eye contact with them. It embarrassed me that other women saw me as...not pretty enough to be with an attractive man. I felt uncomfortable-out of place.

Then, out of no where, he walked up and stood right next to me to order some drinks. I kind of did a double take. Was it really him? He looked different now, like he'd stocked up since the last time I'd seen him. His hair was longer, but his face was still the same. He looked at me and I immediately looked away. I'm not sure why. But I still stood there waiting for my order, and kept glancing at him from time to time. Soon he was surrounded by girls. He looked at me again, with a look that screamed that he recognized me, and I caught his stare. A moment passed, I smiled and looked away. He said something to one of the girls about me looking familiar, that, if I was who he thought I was, I was the girl he always used to talk to in middle school. My heart raced. He remembered me? Especially that far back? I walked away after that, my face flushing crimson.

The rest of the night went smoothly. I sat back down at my table, and didn't see him again. I quickly forgot about seeing him as the night progressed and alcohol took over more than sobriety.

Then a couple of nights ago, I saw him again. When walked through the door, my heart started racing. He walked up, saw me, pointed his finger at me with a look telling me that he was surprised to see me too. I don't know why he was surprised to see me, but the look on his face made it seem that way. I think I was more surprised at him. I had gone four years without seeing him-talking to him. Then all of the sudden, he comes waltzing right back into my life....at least for the night.

For the rest of the night, it was like we were old friends that hadn't seen each other in a long time. In all reality, that was somewhat true. At the end of the night, he came up to me and told me that he was leaving. I walked up to him and gave him a hug. This was the first time I'd ever hugged him....let alone touched him..

I felt his right arm wrap around my lower back, while he let his left hand rest on my head. I went from being tense to suddenly relaxed. It felt normal, and in a way protective. He stood there holding me like that for longer than I expected saying, " It was so good to see you, sweetie." And then, he didn't kiss me, I don't think, but he made the sound on the side of my face...." Mmmmuah." I wanted to move away from him for fear that he would feel my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. I finally was able to break free from his hold...though I didn't want to. I took a step back, turning my side to him. He took a step forward, putting his arm around my waist. At that moment, everything was hard to hear. I told him that it was really good to see him again-that he should come and see me sometime. And he agreed. Everything was casual, more casual than I could have expected. More casual than I could have imagined I could act, what with the way my heart was forcing blood through my body. Without warning feelings, I thought had long since dissolved, came flooding back in. It was dizzying.

And then he was gone. Is it normal for a schoolgirl crush to linger on, just as strong, even after school is over?

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