And all I wanted was a friend...

I sat there looking at him, wondering what might happen if I tried to take it to the next level. What would the consequences be? Would I be happy with the outcome? Could I want him in that way forever?

A million thoughts flooded through my mind. It was hard to capture one long enough to analyze it before another one made itself more prominent than the last. Did I really want him? Did I want him enough to hurt him? Did he want me too? Or, was it that he just wanted the physical satisfaction? That couldn’t be it. But, I could try to convince myself that it was to save myself from exploring that route.

His eyes caught mine, and in an instant I looked away, not wanting their beautiful brown color to send me freefalling. I've never been good at hiding when something is on my mind, so by looking away, I had a better chance at not revealing my thoughts. My mind began to swim, more feverishly than before, now. I wanted this. In that moment, I could have killed for that desire to be fulfilled. I looked back at him, hoping his eyes weren't still on me, but they were. There was something different about the way he looked at me now. More different than when he'd looked at me before. I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know if it was good or bad. Had I done something wrong? I couldn't remember doing anything right.

I looked away once more. I tried my best to push out any and every thought that I had been having. I needed to have a clear mind. I needed to go at this from a different angle. One that I could rationalize with. An angle where logic took the place of desire. Then, I felt his warmth on my hand. Every thought of clearing my mind dissolved in an instant, and in their place, nothing but cloudy images of what I'd been trying so hard to concentrate on. I let my hand wrap around his, entwining our fingers. My heart beat more rapidly. Was this how I was supposed to be feeling? Could he see the way my thoughts affected me? Could he see that I was scared? That I wanted this, but I was terrified? Was this better? Why did it feel so right? In that moment, nothing could slow down my racing mind and heart more than a long slow embrace from him, breathing in his scent and feeling his strong, protective warmth.

I craved that closeness. I hungered for that, which he offered. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to. But, as I always do, I began to think things through the second my mind unclouded even the smallest bit. I could see that this wasn't right. I could see that I wasn't in the right mind frame to accept this. I wasn't ready for this kind of closeness with someone else. My heart was not ready. I craved it, yes. I wanted it more than I wanted to breathe the sweet air. Didn't his feelings matter though? Regardless of whether he wanted it to be physical, or there was some sort of emotion attached to it? Then it hit me. I valued the friendship over the physical. I valued him. My heart skipped to a more rapid pace the moment he moved. My skin felt amazing under his touch. The smallest movement of his fingertips across my arm sent a frenzy of tingling rivets through my body. It made my breath catch before I could exhale. It was so hard to stay calm; stay still and relaxed. It was almost impossible to keep my head clear. There were so many movements my muscles wanted desperately to make; anticipated movements that physically strained me.

What was happening to me? Why was I losing my composure? This should have been easier to do than to think about. I should have been able to detach myself from the moment and continue as normally as I'd done a million times before. Why couldn't I sever the line? Why was it so impossible? Was it that he was truly my best friend? Did that help the line to be more easily invisible? Was it that I truly did care for him more than was appropriate for friendship?

All I wanted was him, but how could I when the relationship we have is what matters to me so much more than my desires in this moment. Truly, that's what I wanted. Above everything else, he and his heart remaining intact and his place in mine are what matters most. I cannot allow myself to keep feeling this way. I don’t want to ruin this by acting on my feelings instead of thinking it through. He’s my safe place. I cannot destroy my safe place by way of my own desires. He will be my undoing, unbeknownst to him.

ARRRRRRRGH

Okay, So I think it's time for a bit of a rant....

For some reason, I let these people play games with me. I get so wrapped up in thinking that I'm actually liked for who I am, not what I can offer, that I seem to forget the one rule I've made since everything has changed. ' Don't trust in others as easily as you would have them trust in you'. Yeah, just because I know I'm trustworthy doesn't mean everyone else is. Still, I sometimes lapse into that old way of thinking. I sometimes lower my standards to be...I don't know, accepted at the time?

Look, I don't care anymore. If you want to play games, then go and play them with someone that still has the energy to play them. Go play them with someone that has the patience for it. I don't . Not anymore. I'm sorry I'm more mature than that. I'm sorry you think that by me being mature, I'm missing out on things. I don't see it that way. I love my life right now. I wouldn't change a thing about it. That's where YOU are wrong. Growing up doesn't mean that I can't have fun anymore. And yes, I will look back on this and love every step I took, every mistake I made. And you will still be where you are, still in that mindset. You will still be frozen mentally at your age, while your body will age. You will have nothing to show for anything. So next time you want to down me and say that I'm not acting my age, think about that.

Also, in regards to relationships, I'm not looking for anything. I'm perfectly content doing what I want when I want, without having to answer to anyone. I'm perfectly content being me and only having to worry about me. So, yeah, while I may like someone or be interested in them, it doesn't mean anything is going to develop. So don't try to play mind games with me and think that it will make me fall harder for you. I'm immune to mind games, and have been for a while. Doing that will only make me stray farther from you. If you want to go out and do things with other people, why should I care? And trying to do those things to make me jealous aren't really working out in your favor either. So you do your thing, I'll do mine. If we meet somewhere in the middle, then so be it.

I'm hungry....I'm gonna go get my eat on.

Putting other's feelings before my own.

It puzzles me to think that so long ago, just being friends was okay with me. Just being that and nothing more.

Of course, I can see why. It worked out better that way. I needed to do a lot of growing up. More so than what I thought. But then again, at that age, you think you're the most mature thing walking.

And now, thinking about everything that's happened recently, I get those butterflies...or at least the fluttery feeling. I can't help but smile-sometimes laugh.

Still, I'm trying my hardest to keep myself at a safe distance. For everyone involved's sake. I'm trying to evaluate what I really want, and what I need. But the lines are fuzzy, becoming more and more invisible with each thought I have. How do you know that you're crossing a line that you can't see? I know the line is there, without seeing it. But temptation makes it even harder not to want to jump over.

I also don't want to feed into a false emotion, only to find out later on, that that's all it was. It wouldn't be fair to the other party.....and I would only be more hurt by it because I hurt someone else because I couldn't control my own selfish desires. Nor, do I know that I'm ready for anything to change. I'm not sure that I WANT change right now....so much has changed already...


Finding reasons to talk myself out of thinking this way are becoming harder and harder.... It's not that I don't want to...see how things progress, I'm just terrified of them progressing at a rate that I can't keep up with, or worse, progress to the point where there's no way to go back to before.... If trying to move things forward means I'll lose what I have now, I won't do it. It's not worth it to me.

This week has flown by. It seems like months since the last time. In all reality it's only been days...maybe I should get a few things off of my chest. But would that make me feel better? Or would it make me feel worse?

Some say to do what feels right to me....but I have a hard time going with that, because it's not just ABOUT me when I involve other people's feelings, other's emotions. It's not just about ME when I'm making changes that affect everyone else.....

Beautiful Hands

As he sat there on my couch, making jokes, he didn't notice as I looked at his hands. Slender fingers, so soft looking and strong at the same time. It's true, I love him. I always have. He's one of my best friends. He's always been a friend to me, even when things were tough, and making time for one another became non-existent. He means more to me than what I thought he did.

As I sat there, laughing after the punch line in each one of his jokes, I forced myself not to think about him in any other way than a friend. My emotional state was not sturdy, threatening to crumble at any minute. I needed him there. He was more than just a friend, he was a lifeline. In that moment, he was mine. I'd never felt that I needed him. Even then, I didn't feel that I needed him there, I just knew. Though I was tired, I dreaded the time going by so quickly. That meant he would have to leave soon. Part of me wanted him to go, so that I could curl up in my bed and sleep. The other part of me, however, decided it would be better for him to stay. I couldn't tell him. I knew it would cause him to think something other than what my intentions really were. I'd been alone for so long. It would have been nice to just have a friend stay. It would have been nice just to have him stay. But I knew it wouldn't have been right. I knew I needed to get a grip.

He moved his hands so fluidly. It was a strange sight to see. Not strange in the " weird" sense, but strange as in.....beautiful. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to feel that warmth. I was so off balance. I needed to shut these thoughts out of my mind. It wouldn't be right. I was being selfish. I didn't want anything more than just....I'm not even sure I knew what I wanted at the time. Maybe I wanted to feel.....wanted. Yes, that's exactly what it was. How selfish of me. But was it being selfish if I felt guilty before even acting? Was it selfish that I cared about how that would make him feel? What he would think? No, maybe it wasn't selfishness, not completely anyway, but it was definitely not something I wanted to happen. It wasn't something that I wanted badly enough to ruin everything. Not that anything would have happened to a degree where it was more than...emotional if that makes sense..., but still I felt as though it would ruin something, whatever it is that we have. He doesn't deserve that confusion. I don't deserve him as a friend.

Yesterday I went over to my " sister's" house. I put 'sister' in quotation marks because, well she's not biologically, or even legally my sister. I just consider her a sister. Whether or not she still considers me a sister after all that's happened. I don't know, but I sure hope so.

As I rounded the corner, I saw his car there. Granted, he can't drive it, and I knew that at some point it would end up at their house....but I just wasn't expecting to see it there, with the hood up. I half expected to see him come out to the raised hood and continue working on the car. Logic then grabbed a hold of me. It was stupid to think that he was here. Sister would have told me if he was going to be there. Still, I don't know if it was hope or want, I expected him to be there working on his car.

Instead it was "Brother";( Strange but this is what I used to call him) Sister's husband. He was working on the car. He was trying to get it running so that he could sell it. My heart sank. Selling the car? Selling HIS car? It made sense. It was more than logical, it was the only thing left to do. I stayed at their house for about an hour. It was good to see their son. I'd taken advantage of the fact that I could see them and him when I pleased when I lived right down the street from them. He was so big now. Bigger than when I had remembered seeing him last. It was almost a month ago. Hard to believe. It was even better to see them. They didn't treat me as if anything had gone wrong. As if I was still a part of the family. I like that. Maybe more than I should have, but I still felt comfortable around them. I missed them. I missed him.

As I stood outside watching their son play with the neighbor kids, it slowly started swelling up inside me. I tried to choke back the tears but they were coming, whether I tried to choke them back or not. There was no stopping them. I saw the trampoline; the place where we looked up at the stars when it was new and exciting. The place where we talked, and had our first meaningful conversation. It was all hitting me harder than I would have expected it to hit. I thought it was better, I thought I was done, or at least near the point, with feeling this way. I was almost sure I had gotten over the rest of everything. But my heart begged to differ. I contemplated whether or not I should stay. Was I wearing out my welcome? I couldn't cry in front of them. I couldn't let them know I still hurt. Not now. Not ever. I was supposed to be done being....this...done feeling this.

I saw our old house, newly occupied with a happy couple from out of state. The ripping sensation in my chest became stronger, more prominent. I was not going to cry. Not here, not today. I was doing so well. I began to become angry with myself; frustrated that I'd let those memories come flooding back in. Angry that I'd done nothing to stop them. I'd let them flood in. I'd wanted them to flood in. I don't know why. I guess not thinking about him made it easier not to feel. But I did feel. I wanted him there. I wanted to tell him how he'd hurt me. I wanted to ask him how it was so easy for him to move on. How he justified the way he'd acted, what he'd done. But I knew that if I'd seen him, things would be worse. I wouldn't have been able to hold them back for this long, the tears threatening to tell my secret. I wouldn't have been able to even speak to him, frozen in disbelief. But I didn't have to worry about that. He was long gone. No way he was coming here. Not today. I was here. I was the one spending time with his family. Spending time with my family. I knew before that they would be hard to let go, even while I was still with him. Now they were even harder to let go, because it was so easy to lose them. If I stopped coming around, stopped making contact...I'd lose them more quickly than I lost him. The thought sickened me and made the already threatening tears push harder to exit from my body.

Brother came around the side of the house and asked me to move my car so that he could take his four-wheeler to the other car. Finally, I had a chance to leave and let all of this emotion out. I didn't want to leave. I would have loved to have stayed there all night, but I needed to leave. I needed to let this emotion out of me. I felt guilty for leaving. I wanted so much to sit and just be there. Spend time. I loved being over there when I lived down the street. I loved being there now. I said my goodbyes, that I'd hoped to see them soon. And I drove away.

I was so angry with myself for letting this happen; for allowing myself to feel this pain again. The one thing that made it easier was the the pain wasn't as severe as it was in the first two weeks. It still hurt, but it was easier to get out of. It felt good to cry. I hadn't cried in so long. Not over him. But I needed it. My body craved release of all of these feelings I kept, balled up, inside. It was only after I'd let it all out on the way home that I felt better. I felt more in control.

Seeing things the remind me of him still cause that familiar pain I feel in my chest. They cause me to think about only the good times. I know there were bad times. I know I had no way of knowing that things would happen the way they did when we first got together. I'd never loved another person that much. Not in that way, at least. I'd poured my heart and soul into it. I'd given almost everything I had to make it work. In the end, I was weary. I still wanted it to work. I still wanted him. I would have fought for him. I tried to. But my weariness was more present than I had thought. So I let him go. He wanted freedom, he wanted out. He wanted.....someone, just, .............................not me. That was the part that killed me.

Thinking about him made me angry, both at myself and at him. Why didn't he just own up to his feelings? Why didn't he want to try? Why wasn't he honest? Why, after all that time, after exactly one month shy of having been together for a year, did lies-no, not lies, things he'd failed to tell me-start coming at me. Things that I have no reason NOT to believe. It was his fault that we didn't work; that my efforts had failed. He was the one that forced me to be his backup plan. I was unaware of it all along. He didn't love me. After all, I was the Nag. I'd only tried to get him to where I knew he could be. Sometimes I was very blunt about it, and that hurt his feelings. But he was so good to me in the beginning. He made me feel like we belonged together. But, after thinking about it, I've come to this conclusion; he was just really good at being charming. At taking, and never giving. After a while, his charming act failed to reach the levels it once had. I was slowly seeing through him. Maybe that's why. Maybe that's why he skipped town and found someone else. Maybe that's why he didn't try to improve in the slightest when I'd given him that ultimatum. If he wanted to be with me, I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. I would have let him come along if I'd seen that he was serious about wanting to be with me, that he wanted to meet his potential. But I was wrong. I obviously wasn't good enough for him. I couldn't offer him anything anymore. Did I love him? Yes. As a matter of fact, I still do. But, I don't miss him as much as I miss the person he used to be; the person I loved with every fiber of my being. But I had to let it all go. I had to let him go.

I guess feeling something is good. Being able to let it all go in the end, was better. That really helped me to get over him. And I am. I'm over wanting him back. I don't. I want him to be happy. And I'm okay with the fact that he won't be happy with me now. I'm more mature about it. I've learned something from it, and now I can move on. As he should. I'm young. I can live my life. I have it together. I'm ready.

Embrace change, but don't let go of your values...

As humans, we often become creatures of habit. Once that " habit" is broken, we try to see it as a way of opening our arms to change. However, inspite of embracing that change, we tend to let go of our values.

Take for instance, a new job. You're so happy that you landed it. It pays better, it has benefits, it's closer to home....but then, to make money, you have to do some backhanded things, some things that may go against your morals. That's where letting go of your values comes into play. Sure you embraced the change, you're living the life! But at what cost? If you hadn't landed this job, you wouldn't be doing 1/3 of the things required of you. Sure, you love the money, and the benefits-the fact that it's closer to home. The way you see it, it was a good change, slightly peppered with bad values.

In the beginning it's great. You're hitting every goal that your boss wants you to hit. You begin to lose that guilt of selling a product to someone that you know will crap out within six months, just because there's a bigger comission in it for you. You lose sight of what makes you, you. Your character is taking a hit. You don't notice it though, others around you do. And this makes you a not so favored friend. You're teetering on the edge of aquaintance and stranger.

One day you realize that you've spent years at a company that offered such great things, but you're not happy. You're not happy with the person you've become. You can't even remember the person that you were, all you can remember is that you had friends who loved you, you had values. You embraced a change, but let go of all of your values.

Before, you were the star sales rep at your previous company. Sure, you weren't making as much money, but you were happy. You had a rapport with all clients. They loved coming in and talking to you. You were honest with them, informing them that, for example, " that toaster will putz out on you in 2 weeks" and suggesting a different toaster, which while a bit higher in price, had better quality. You were willing to take a cut in commission to sell this toaster to someone, because they needed it. Because it would better their life. And in turn, you got referrals because of how much you wanted to work with the client to meet their needs.

Now, you are the star sales rep, but for a different reason. You sell cheap products to unsuspecting customers because it means that you will be able to buy that new pair of shoes, or put a down payment on that little red sports car. You don't care that the client will be back within a matter of months to return the piece of crap item they purchased; You'll just show them a sign that says all sales are final. No refunds, exchanges, or credits. You've become a zombie. You've lost all compassion for anyone but yourself. You. Are. Alone.

Values are what make us who we are. They give us our opinions. They make us different, they give us character. Life is that much richer because of values. Values give us a conscience.

Change is good. Change is necessary. Without change, again, life would not be as rich and fullfilling.

There is, however, a balance that needs to be maintained between the two. You have to embrace change. There's no way around it. Eventually, things will happen that you can't avoid. But in doing that, don't lose sight of your values, and most definitely don't let go of them.

Walking through the door of happiness

Helen Keller once said something along the lines of ' When a door of happiness closes another opens; however we stare at the closed door so long that we fail to notice the other door opening.'

This is very true. In fact, its DEAD ON.

Why are so many people unhappy? Why do so many people allow themselves to be unhappy at another person's doing? Aren't we supposed to provide our own happiness?

I read this quote, and it summed up everything in my life. A door of happiness closed. And I just keep staring at it waiting for it to open again. I shouldn't. In all reality, the "door of happiness" wouldn't have "closed" if there wasn't any unhappiness, so why dwell on it? Why dwell on the lies, on the hurt, on the 'good times'. The bad outweighed the good.

So why do we constantly dwell on the good times after a relationship has ended? Why don't we dwell on the bad times? Especially when in the past, when the relationship was still holding together with bubble gum and shoe strings, we were unhappy? When we wanted to end it, but never had the heart to. Because we still loved them....because we still do.

In the past few weeks, things have happened that I'm not proud to say I was involved in. Unwillingly involved in, but involved in nonetheless. I would never say that one whole year was a mistake. I would never say that. Maybe because I'm not immature about the matter. I did learn things. I learned a lot of things. I learned how to love someone. I learned what that felt like. I learned........just a LOT of things that I am grateful for. But to say it was a mistake? Never. I'd say it was a learning experience.

I've come to terms with the fact that that door has been slammed shut, locked and the key melted. And for once, I can say I'm okay with searching for that other door, however long it takes me, however many elevators are broken causing me to take the stairs...I'm fine with it.

Not even an email break up...

I guess I'm better off because he wasn't an adult about it.

'Broadcasting it on Myspace and telling your friends that I'm your EX without even telling me first. Nice. You're a fucking dick' We're thoughts that came to mind.

Then he broadcast it that our relationship was a mistake....that I was a nagging bitch....ONE YEAR and our relationship was a mistake.

ONE YEAR....and all I was to him was a nagging bitch.

The words hurt worse than the fact that he let everyone know it was over between us before he let me know. No email saying, guess what it's not working out....even THAT I could have accepted. No phone call...nothing. Just me finding out after clicking on his profile. Then after emailing him about it, he denied it....said I was a crazy bitch....that he didn't know what I was talking about.

And now he's got a crush. He's moved on more quickly than I ever even thought about moving. He's interested in *Stephanie*. He does these things to hurt me. Why do I let him succeed? Because my heart is broken. Because it wasn't on my terms. Because I still have hope that maybe deep, down, somewhere, he still loves me. This is supposed to be the other way around. He's supposed to be the one missing me. He's supposed to be the one that can't sleep at night. I wanted this. I told him we needed space. That we should work our problems out when we weren't living together. It's my fault that all of this is happening. I wasn't ready for what my words said. I hadn't braced myself.

But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe, it IS his fault. He wouldn't grow up. I gave everything I had in that relationship. I tried harder to make that work than I tried to breathe. And he wanted everything to fall into place. Instead, he began text messaging another girl, talking to a girl, all behind my back. He didn't even make any mention of it. And then when I found out; after he'd be secretive about everything, I was the bad one. I was the one who was in the wrong for " Snooping". But the phone was in my name. I'd added it to my plan FOR HIM. Now, I'm left to pay the bill that he rang up, plus the bill to cancel his line.

I hurt. My heart hurts. I want to cry. Choking back the tears I want to shed is getting really old. Putting on that smile, the SHOW for everyone, is getting old. I need to let it out. But if I do, does he win even more? How could he?

'Get out of the game' is another thought that comes to mind. ' Stop playing his game, get out of it completely. Be the bigger person. Win by walking away.'

For once, I think I'll listen to my head instead of my heart.

If it was never meant to be

Then why do I still feel so strongly for him? Why do I still try to give him the benefit of the doubt, even though I know he's lying? Why is it so easy for him to move on so quickly, when I was the one that wanted change? Why is it so hard to accept the fact that he's moving on, and I'm still right where I ended it? I wanted this. But I didn't want it to be like this.....


It's so confusing.