And all I wanted was a friend...

I sat there looking at him, wondering what might happen if I tried to take it to the next level. What would the consequences be? Would I be happy with the outcome? Could I want him in that way forever?

A million thoughts flooded through my mind. It was hard to capture one long enough to analyze it before another one made itself more prominent than the last. Did I really want him? Did I want him enough to hurt him? Did he want me too? Or, was it that he just wanted the physical satisfaction? That couldn’t be it. But, I could try to convince myself that it was to save myself from exploring that route.

His eyes caught mine, and in an instant I looked away, not wanting their beautiful brown color to send me freefalling. I've never been good at hiding when something is on my mind, so by looking away, I had a better chance at not revealing my thoughts. My mind began to swim, more feverishly than before, now. I wanted this. In that moment, I could have killed for that desire to be fulfilled. I looked back at him, hoping his eyes weren't still on me, but they were. There was something different about the way he looked at me now. More different than when he'd looked at me before. I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know if it was good or bad. Had I done something wrong? I couldn't remember doing anything right.

I looked away once more. I tried my best to push out any and every thought that I had been having. I needed to have a clear mind. I needed to go at this from a different angle. One that I could rationalize with. An angle where logic took the place of desire. Then, I felt his warmth on my hand. Every thought of clearing my mind dissolved in an instant, and in their place, nothing but cloudy images of what I'd been trying so hard to concentrate on. I let my hand wrap around his, entwining our fingers. My heart beat more rapidly. Was this how I was supposed to be feeling? Could he see the way my thoughts affected me? Could he see that I was scared? That I wanted this, but I was terrified? Was this better? Why did it feel so right? In that moment, nothing could slow down my racing mind and heart more than a long slow embrace from him, breathing in his scent and feeling his strong, protective warmth.

I craved that closeness. I hungered for that, which he offered. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to. But, as I always do, I began to think things through the second my mind unclouded even the smallest bit. I could see that this wasn't right. I could see that I wasn't in the right mind frame to accept this. I wasn't ready for this kind of closeness with someone else. My heart was not ready. I craved it, yes. I wanted it more than I wanted to breathe the sweet air. Didn't his feelings matter though? Regardless of whether he wanted it to be physical, or there was some sort of emotion attached to it? Then it hit me. I valued the friendship over the physical. I valued him. My heart skipped to a more rapid pace the moment he moved. My skin felt amazing under his touch. The smallest movement of his fingertips across my arm sent a frenzy of tingling rivets through my body. It made my breath catch before I could exhale. It was so hard to stay calm; stay still and relaxed. It was almost impossible to keep my head clear. There were so many movements my muscles wanted desperately to make; anticipated movements that physically strained me.

What was happening to me? Why was I losing my composure? This should have been easier to do than to think about. I should have been able to detach myself from the moment and continue as normally as I'd done a million times before. Why couldn't I sever the line? Why was it so impossible? Was it that he was truly my best friend? Did that help the line to be more easily invisible? Was it that I truly did care for him more than was appropriate for friendship?

All I wanted was him, but how could I when the relationship we have is what matters to me so much more than my desires in this moment. Truly, that's what I wanted. Above everything else, he and his heart remaining intact and his place in mine are what matters most. I cannot allow myself to keep feeling this way. I don’t want to ruin this by acting on my feelings instead of thinking it through. He’s my safe place. I cannot destroy my safe place by way of my own desires. He will be my undoing, unbeknownst to him.