Wednesday, August 27, 2008

And all I wanted was a friend...

I sat there looking at him, wondering what might happen if I tried to take it to the next level. What would the consequences be? Would I be happy with the outcome? Could I want him in that way forever?

A million thoughts flooded through my mind. It was hard to capture one long enough to analyze it before another one made itself more prominent than the last. Did I really want him? Did I want him enough to hurt him? Did he want me too? Or, was it that he just wanted the physical satisfaction?

His eyes caught mine, and in an instant I looked away. I've never been good at hiding when something is on my mind, so by looking away, I had a better chance at not revealing my thoughts. My mind began to swim, more feverishly than before, now. I wanted this. In that moment, I could have killed for that desire to be fulfilled. I looked back at him, hoping his eyes weren't still on me, but they were. There was something different about the way he looked at me now. More different than when he'd looked at me before. I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know if it was good or bad. Had I done something wrong? I couldn't remember doing anything right.

I looked away once more. I tried my best to push out any and every thought that I had been having. I needed to have a clear mind. I needed to go at this from a different angle. One that I could rationalize with. An angle where logic took the place of desire. Then, I felt his warmth on my hand. Every thought of clearing my mind dissolved in an instant, and in their place, nothing but cloudy images of what I'd been trying so hard to concentrate on. I let my hand wrap around his, entwining our fingers. My heart beat more rapidly. Was this how I was supposed to be feeling? Could he see the way my thoughts affected me? Could he see that I was scared? That I wanted this, but I was terrified? Was this better? Why did it feel so right?

I craved that closeness. I hungered for that, which he offered. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to. But, as I always do, I began to think things through the second my mind unclouded even the smallest bit. I could see that this wasn't right. I could see that I wasn't in the right mind frame to accept this. I wasn't ready for this kind of closeness with someone else. I craved it, yes. I wanted it more than I wanted to breathe the sweet air. Didn't his feelings matter though? Regardless of whether he wanted it to be physical, or there was some sort of emotion attached to it? Then it hit me. I valued the friendship over the physical. I valued him. My heart skipped to a more rapid pace the moment he moved. My skin felt amazing under his touch. The smallest movement of his fingertips across my arm sent a frenzy of tingling rivets through my body. It made my breath catch before I could exhale. It was so hard to stay calm; stay still and relaxed. It was almost impossible to keep my head clear. There were so many movements my muscles wanted desperately to make; anticipated movements that physically strained me.

What was happening to me? Why was I losing my composure? This should have been easier to do than to think about. I should have been able to detach myself from the moment, as I'd done a million times before. Why couldn't I sever the line? Why was it so impossible? Was it that he was my friend? Did that help the line to be more easily invisible? Was it that I truly did care for him?

All I wanted was the friendship. Truly, that's what I wanted. Above everything else, that's what matters most.

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