As he sat there on my couch, making jokes, he didn't notice as I looked at his hands. Slender fingers, so soft looking and strong at the same time. It's true, I love him. I always have. He's one of my best friends. He's always been a friend to me, even when things were tough, and making time for one another became non-existent. He means more to me than what I thought he did.
As I sat there, laughing after the punch line in each one of his jokes, I forced myself not to think about him in any other way than a friend. My emotional state was not sturdy, threatening to crumble at any minute. I needed him there. He was more than just a friend, he was a lifeline. In that moment, he was mine. I'd never felt that I needed him. Even then, I didn't feel that I needed him there, I just knew. Though I was tired, I dreaded the time going by so quickly. That meant he would have to leave soon. Part of me wanted him to go, so that I could curl up in my bed and sleep. The other part of me, however, decided it would be better for him to stay. I couldn't tell him. I knew it would cause him to think something other than what my intentions really were. I'd been alone for so long. It would have been nice to just have a friend stay. It would have been nice just to have him stay. But I knew it wouldn't have been right. I knew I needed to get a grip.
He moved his hands so fluidly. It was a strange sight to see. Not strange in the " weird" sense, but strange as in.....beautiful. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to feel that warmth. I was so off balance. I needed to shut these thoughts out of my mind. It wouldn't be right. I was being selfish. I didn't want anything more than just....I'm not even sure I knew what I wanted at the time. Maybe I wanted to feel.....wanted. Yes, that's exactly what it was. How selfish of me. But was it being selfish if I felt guilty before even acting? Was it selfish that I cared about how that would make him feel? What he would think? No, maybe it wasn't selfishness, not completely anyway, but it was definitely not something I wanted to happen. It wasn't something that I wanted badly enough to ruin everything. Not that anything would have happened to a degree where it was more than...emotional if that makes sense..., but still I felt as though it would ruin something, whatever it is that we have. He doesn't deserve that confusion. I don't deserve him as a friend.