Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Not even an email break up...

I guess I'm better off because he wasn't an adult about it.

'Broadcasting it on Myspace and telling your friends that I'm your EX without even telling me first. Nice. You're a fucking dick' We're thoughts that came to mind.

Then he broadcast it that our relationship was a mistake....that I was a nagging bitch....ONE YEAR and our relationship was a mistake.

ONE YEAR....and all I was to him was a nagging bitch.

The words hurt worse than the fact that he let everyone know it was over between us before he let me know. No email saying, guess what it's not working out....even THAT I could have accepted. No phone call...nothing. Just me finding out after clicking on his profile. Then after emailing him about it, he denied it....said I was a crazy bitch....that he didn't know what I was talking about.

And now he's got a crush. He's moved on more quickly than I ever even thought about moving. He's interested in *Stephanie*. He does these things to hurt me. Why do I let him succeed? Because my heart is broken. Because it wasn't on my terms. Because I still have hope that maybe deep, down, somewhere, he still loves me. This is supposed to be the other way around. He's supposed to be the one missing me. He's supposed to be the one that can't sleep at night. I wanted this. I told him we needed space. That we should work our problems out when we weren't living together. It's my fault that all of this is happening. I wasn't ready for what my words said. I hadn't braced myself.

But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe, it IS his fault. He wouldn't grow up. I gave everything I had in that relationship. I tried harder to make that work than I tried to breathe. And he wanted everything to fall into place. Instead, he began text messaging another girl, talking to a girl, all behind my back. He didn't even make any mention of it. And then when I found out; after he'd be secretive about everything, I was the bad one. I was the one who was in the wrong for " Snooping". But the phone was in my name. I'd added it to my plan FOR HIM. Now, I'm left to pay the bill that he rang up, plus the bill to cancel his line.

I hurt. My heart hurts. I want to cry. Choking back the tears I want to shed is getting really old. Putting on that smile, the SHOW for everyone, is getting old. I need to let it out. But if I do, does he win even more? How could he?

'Get out of the game' is another thought that comes to mind. ' Stop playing his game, get out of it completely. Be the bigger person. Win by walking away.'

For once, I think I'll listen to my head instead of my heart.

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