It puzzles me to think that so long ago, just being friends was okay with me. Just being that and nothing more.
Of course, I can see why. It worked out better that way. I needed to do a lot of growing up. More so than what I thought. But then again, at that age, you think you're the most mature thing walking.
And now, thinking about everything that's happened recently, I get those butterflies...or at least the fluttery feeling. I can't help but smile-sometimes laugh.
Still, I'm trying my hardest to keep myself at a safe distance. For everyone involved's sake. I'm trying to evaluate what I really want, and what I need. But the lines are fuzzy, becoming more and more invisible with each thought I have. How do you know that you're crossing a line that you can't see? I know the line is there, without seeing it. But temptation makes it even harder not to want to jump over.
I also don't want to feed into a false emotion, only to find out later on, that that's all it was. It wouldn't be fair to the other party.....and I would only be more hurt by it because I hurt someone else because I couldn't control my own selfish desires. Nor, do I know that I'm ready for anything to change. I'm not sure that I WANT change right now....so much has changed already...
Finding reasons to talk myself out of thinking this way are becoming harder and harder.... It's not that I don't want to...see how things progress, I'm just terrified of them progressing at a rate that I can't keep up with, or worse, progress to the point where there's no way to go back to before.... If trying to move things forward means I'll lose what I have now, I won't do it. It's not worth it to me.
This week has flown by. It seems like months since the last time. In all reality it's only been days...maybe I should get a few things off of my chest. But would that make me feel better? Or would it make me feel worse?
Some say to do what feels right to me....but I have a hard time going with that, because it's not just ABOUT me when I involve other people's feelings, other's emotions. It's not just about ME when I'm making changes that affect everyone else.....