Thursday, August 21, 2008

Putting other's feelings before my own.

It puzzles me to think that so long ago, just being friends was okay with me. Just being that and nothing more.

Of course, I can see why. It worked out better that way. I needed to do a lot of growing up. More so than what I thought. But then again, at that age, you think you're the most mature thing walking.

And now, thinking about everything that's happened recently, I get those butterflies...or at least the fluttery feeling. I can't help but smile-sometimes laugh.

Still, I'm trying my hardest to keep myself at a safe distance. For everyone involved's sake. I'm trying to evaluate what I really want, and what I need. But the lines are fuzzy, becoming more and more invisible with each thought I have. How do you know that you're crossing a line that you can't see? I know the line is there, without seeing it. But temptation makes it even harder not to want to jump over.

I also don't want to feed into a false emotion, only to find out later on, that that's all it was. It wouldn't be fair to the other party.....and I would only be more hurt by it because I hurt someone else because I couldn't control my own selfish desires. Nor, do I know that I'm ready for anything to change. I'm not sure that I WANT change right much has changed already...

Finding reasons to talk myself out of thinking this way are becoming harder and harder.... It's not that I don't want to...see how things progress, I'm just terrified of them progressing at a rate that I can't keep up with, or worse, progress to the point where there's no way to go back to before.... If trying to move things forward means I'll lose what I have now, I won't do it. It's not worth it to me.

This week has flown by. It seems like months since the last time. In all reality it's only been days...maybe I should get a few things off of my chest. But would that make me feel better? Or would it make me feel worse?

Some say to do what feels right to me....but I have a hard time going with that, because it's not just ABOUT me when I involve other people's feelings, other's emotions. It's not just about ME when I'm making changes that affect everyone else.....

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